Sexual Shame
Sexual shame can deeply affect mental health, relationships, and a person’s sense of self. Many people grow up receiving messages that their sexual thoughts, desires, or curiosity are wrong, dangerous, or something to simply get rid of. These messages are especially common in high-demand or conservative religious cultures where sexuality is often seen in rigid and fear/shame-based ways.
Over time, sexual shame can lead to cycles of secrecy, guilt, anxiety, and self-loathing. People may struggle to talk openly with partners about sex, feel disconnected from their own desires, or worry that something is “wrong” with them. In therapy, we work to understand where these beliefs came from, reduce shame, and build a healthier relationship with sexuality based on accurate sex education, personal values and honest communication, self-compassion, and principles of sexual health.
The porn dilemma
Pornography can become a major source of tension in relationships, particularly when partners have different beliefs or expectations around its use. For individuals raised in religious cultures that strongly condemn pornography, even occasional viewing can create intense guilt, secrecy, and fear of being “addicted.”
Many people come to therapy believing they have a porn or sex addiction. In many cases, however, what they are experiencing is better understood as a porn dilemma—a conflict between behavior, personal values, relationship expectations, and the cultural messages they were taught about sexuality.
My approach focuses on understanding each client’s unique relationship with pornography rather than relying on shame-based labels. Together we explore the emotional, relational, and cultural factors involved, while helping individuals and couples build healthier communication, explore sexual health principles, and create agreements that align with their shared values and relationship goals.
Out of Control sexual behavior
I rely on the Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) model as a guiding framework to address issues related to sexual shame and conflict with porn use. This approach recognizes that behaviors perceived as 'out of control' often stem from lack of sex education, underlying emotional distress, trauma and shame leading to secrecy, or conflicting values/beliefs. My therapeutic process involves creating a safe and non-judgmental space where clients can explore the complexities of their relationship with sex and porn. Through the OCSB model, I help my clients to identify messaging and narratives they were given regarding their sexuality, underlying emotions, and any past experiences that might contribute to feelings of shame and patterns of porn use that may feel out of control. By addressing these factors with empathy and understanding, clients move toward healing, self-compassion, and developing broader coping mechanisms and a relationship with porn use that better aligns with their values and goals.